SharePoint 2013 Usage reports are empty

Our server's been up and running for a while with a couple thousand users. I go to check the Usage report for the site that I know is the most popular and it's empty. 0's across the board.

I've been through the usual troubleshooting steps:

1. I made sure the Usage and Health Data Collection was configured


2. I verified that the WSS_Admin_WPG and WSS_WPG groups both had full access to the Log File Location


3. I made sure both the Microsoft SharePoint Foundation Usage Data Import and Microsoft SharePoint Foundation Usage Data Processing timer jobs were enabled and able to run successfully.


4. I checked the WSS_Logging database's permissions, the web service webapplication account and the farm account both have ownership rights over it.


5. I checked the contents of the WSS_Logging database, the request tables are populated with information.


6. I validated that there are receivers configured per this blog post: http://ift.tt/13wnlPI


7. I tried configuring an SQL account to do this, but it doesn't look like it sticks on the configuration page.

How can I get this pulling data?